Unconventionalitismnessity.
Prying into the mind of a genius writer/filmographer/musician since May 2007.
Stalk me!
On AIM- smoothasgravel42
On GMail- JimmehBlake@gmail.com
Jul 4, 2009
7:05pm
This is too serious to have a witty title.
So all my friends have ditched me for either Rothbury or bars tonight. I was going to take my brother out for a much-needed forgetting session, but I now have nowhere to go and nothing to do. I know five people in this town, and none of them are available tonight when I need to be out most.
Holidays are always the worst times for me for some reason. Thanksgiving last year was beyond terrible, as were New Years’ and my birthday. Something about the fact that these days are set aside for happiness, etc. just gives me higher expectations of what the day should be like. These expectations never pan out as I would like them to, and so the downward spiral begins anew.
I wish this holiday was going to be an exception to the standards of my depressive behavior, but the odds appear to be heavily stacked against me. When this had happened previously during my bout with whatever the hell I’m bouting with, I always had someone that I could call and talk to. Thanks to my own poor judgment and behavior, this person no longer exists in my life. I lost a best friend recently, and I’m only coming to terms with it now, as I lie on my mattress/floor and wait patiently for some sort of relief that is never coming.
I wish I could say I was sorry, or that I can be a better person, but the bottom line is that I can’t. There are a certain set of things that I must take responsibility for, and ultimately I just need to accept that I royally fucked up. The entire calling that my extensive road trip was supposed to address in the past month has been answered in a span of about five hours this afternoon. The realizations, the repercussions, everything has hit me at once with a horrifying finality. There is no going back, only moving on. I only wish I could be more dignified about it.
I guess this is why I’m leaving for the west coast again soon. To try and make sense of all the ways I have changed, and to try and salvage what is left of myself as best as possible. It also helps that I will both be with a very good friend and hopefully have the opportunity to continue to build a new relationship that I abruptly vanished from a week ago as well.
This is the one thing I don’t like about being an adult: you finally realize that you’re the one to blame. It sucks a shitton, and makes you feel like a terrible person. But in my case, I kind of am.
tl;dr—Cheer up, emo kid. It’s a brand new day. I guess.
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Prying into the mind of a genius writer/filmographer/musician since May 2007.
Stalk me!
On AIM- smoothasgravel42
On GMail- JimmehBlake@gmail.com
This is too serious to have a witty title.
So all my friends have ditched me for either Rothbury or bars tonight. I was going to take my brother out for a much-needed forgetting session, but I now have nowhere to go and nothing to do. I know five people in this town, and none of them are available tonight when I need to be out most.
Holidays are always the worst times for me for some reason. Thanksgiving last year was beyond terrible, as were New Years’ and my birthday. Something about the fact that these days are set aside for happiness, etc. just gives me higher expectations of what the day should be like. These expectations never pan out as I would like them to, and so the downward spiral begins anew.
I wish this holiday was going to be an exception to the standards of my depressive behavior, but the odds appear to be heavily stacked against me. When this had happened previously during my bout with whatever the hell I’m bouting with, I always had someone that I could call and talk to. Thanks to my own poor judgment and behavior, this person no longer exists in my life. I lost a best friend recently, and I’m only coming to terms with it now, as I lie on my mattress/floor and wait patiently for some sort of relief that is never coming.
I wish I could say I was sorry, or that I can be a better person, but the bottom line is that I can’t. There are a certain set of things that I must take responsibility for, and ultimately I just need to accept that I royally fucked up. The entire calling that my extensive road trip was supposed to address in the past month has been answered in a span of about five hours this afternoon. The realizations, the repercussions, everything has hit me at once with a horrifying finality. There is no going back, only moving on. I only wish I could be more dignified about it.
I guess this is why I’m leaving for the west coast again soon. To try and make sense of all the ways I have changed, and to try and salvage what is left of myself as best as possible. It also helps that I will both be with a very good friend and hopefully have the opportunity to continue to build a new relationship that I abruptly vanished from a week ago as well.
This is the one thing I don’t like about being an adult: you finally realize that you’re the one to blame. It sucks a shitton, and makes you feel like a terrible person. But in my case, I kind of am.
tl;dr—Cheer up, emo kid. It’s a brand new day. I guess.
